While reading, I ask that you play this song by Metronomy, “Do The Right Thing”.
Sitting at the bus stop listening to people talk about anything but Manateesealbirds really dashes my hope for our generation. We know they exist, we know they need help. But we carefully tiptoe around the subject thinking someone else will resolve the issue.
Yesterday, in a pile of old shirts and pants and thread and sewing machines and stuffing, I found one, injured. Cold. Hungry. I whispered several vulgar phrases under my breath in dismay. Things I won’t write here. Things like, “Holy shit. Look at his cute as shit button eyes. Oh fuck.”
Manateesealbirds thrive in soft, puffy habitats. Because they have no limbs, hiding among the pillows of a bed is their only mechanism of defense against predators. Manateesealbird numbers are rapidly declining as people become too cool to have odd stuffed animals in their room.
You can help. You can adopt a Manateesealbird for $50 USD, shipping not included. If anyone, anyone out there at all, cares about the fate of this beautiful creature, please, leave a comment describing your encounters you may have had with a Manateesealbird or interest in adopting the one I have discovered.
I’ll send him in a perforated box so he can breathe. I’ll include a drawing and some free stickers so he can keep himself busy in transit. I’ll give it all to you. I’ll put it all on the Internet.
Do the right thing.
I once had manateesealbird at a restaurant in siberia. I now feel terrible about it.
You’re a monster.